I’ve had been hiding and avoiding any kind of social interaction on the Internet. I stopped tweeting, muted and unfollowed my ex, and something like that. I’ve been doing this for months and I thought it was a good idea.
But it’s not.
It’s only made things worse, and all the desire to talk to her is just accumulated madly.
All this distance, months of sweet resistance, only made me discontent.
So I thought maybe the problem is within me. I have forgiven everyone else in my life, but I haven’t forgiven myself. I realized I have to make peace at myself, it’s one of the self-love acts.
At some point, I asked God “If I couldn’t get love, please let me have peace instead.”
Because no one deserves to fall asleep at night questioning why they weren’t good enough.
So I took a small step. One step at a time. I stopped blaming myself for the reason why people left me.
All I know it (the relationship) was good, and nothing good is truly lost. All good things stays part of a person, becomes part of my character. Part of her goes everywhere with me. And part of me is her, forever.
She was fierce, tough, and she had a lot of heart. I got a lot of flaws, but some good things in me came from her.
Knowing that, I feel better now.
Days later, but I was still wondering: am I going to be happy too if I ever get married?
A couple of follow-up questions pops up: I was not ready for marriage then, what if I’m never ready? What if that was it, my one chance at love? What if I never get a second chance?
I used to think that marriage and love are completely different things.
But after everything what I’ve been through, and after several considerations, I would say that maybe marriage isn’t a bad thing for me. I’m thinking about it once I get back to Indonesia for good. I think I will get married.
I still haven’t found “the one” yet (or maybe I did?), but I promise I will make her feels she’s the most beautiful person in the world.
I’m gonna propose her in the most cheesiest way possible, if she let me though.
I’m gonna give her hugs and protect her heart because I know she fucked up too. And that doesn’t make her weak. Just beautifully human.
I’m gonna stay and hold her hand when the rest of the world let her go. I know the suffering.
I’m gonna kiss her forehead silently at the exact time she most need it.
I’m gonna tell the world how lucky I am to have her.
I’m gonna let her tell me where her heart wants to go and I will take it there.
And if she needs to cry I can be the saddest place on earth.
But if it takes time, so be it. A little waiting won’t hurt me.
I used to be in such a hurry all the time. Everything was so urgent. Now, I just, I don’t know, I figure it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen when it happens.
I’m not going anywhere, she’s not going anywhere.
Michael Erlangga 